Conflict Steps, Anger, Forgiveness, and Reconciliation

Nine Steps to Conflict Resolution

Matthew 18:15, "If your brother or sister sins against you, go and show them their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."

This one statement of Jesus is the key to resolving conflict in any human relationship. The manual for conflict resolution is right here and it's found in seven simple steps, easy enough for a child to follow. Instead of show and tell, it's go and tell. Go and tell the person who hurt you and make it right.

Sounds simple, doesn't it. The problem is we so often don't do it. We tell everybody but the person who hurt us. In fact, this one verse may be the single most violated command that Jesus ever gave. Why? Because at each point we face a crossroads. At each step there are powerful reasons to ignore Jesus and go the other way. So let's walk through the steps one at a time.


Step one is acknowledge the conflict.

Jesus says if your brother or sister sins against you , but we could probably replace it with when your brother or sister sins against you because to be alive means to be in conflict. It's part of the Dance of the Porcupines. It's part of being slightly irregular, "as is" human beings. People aren't normal, but conflict is.

The first step sounds simple enough, acknowledge the conflict. But here's the first crossroad. Most of us would rather pretend that there is no conflict, that the conflict doesn't exist. Sometimes we think that lack of conflict is a sign of spiritual maturity, when really it could be a sign of denial or even apathy in a relationship. So when we're confronted we might say things like, "What's the big deal? Can't you take a joke? I was only kidding." And when we do that we can totally invalidate the person who wants to talk about the hurt.

So the place to start is to honestly admit that there is unresolved conflict that needs to be dealt with. There's been a relational meltdown that needs to be addressed. If we're going to live life in healthy community, un-addressed and unresolved conflict is not an option.


Step two is to own the responsibility of dealing with it.

The word Jesus uses is you not the other person. He calls on every one of us to own the job of conflict resolution, which often brings us to another crossroads.

We don't want to do it. Instead, we want the person who hurt us to make the first move. "It's not fair that I should have to take the first step, I didn't hurt them. They hurt me."

In Matthew 18 the issue is going to the person who has hurt us, but in Matthew 5 Jesus says we need to go to a person if we realize we have hurt them. Matthew 5:23-24, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

You see, either way the first move is always ours. In fact, Jesus says it's more important to make a relationship right than it is to go to church. It's the most spiritual thing we can do. There is no hidden Bible verse that says wait for them to come to us. Jesus puts the burden on us in both cases. If we've done something wrong, take the first step. If the other person has done something wrong, we still take the first step.

Why? Because porcupines are stubborn, prickly little creatures. Because there's a surplus of stone throwers and a deficit of peacemakers in this world. And because people who value community are people who own the responsibility to deal with relational breakdown.


Soul work

Part of owning responsibility to deal with the conflict is to forgive the other person as we have been forgiven. Reconciliation and restoration takes work from both parties, forgiveness is something that is ours to give with Christ’s help.
(See the Forgiveness section below at the bottom for what forgiveness is and what it is not.)

Identifying the Log
· Not a superficial exercise, just to gain a better hearing
· Ask God to help you search your heart, thoughts and ways
· Take your ego and subjectivity out of the situation; instead take an objective look at the situation, yourself, and the other person.

Ask yourself ‘Why’ Questions
· Why did this make me angry?
· Why do I find this so hurtful?
· Why am I fearful?

Reflect on your
· Words
· Actions
· Attitudes
· Interpretations
· Motives

Take out the Trash
David in the midst of his anger over his enemies says to the LORD in Psalm 139: 23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

In the middle of our most difficult situations is the best time to grow. (Plants grow fastest in manure) Use this opportunity to ‘take out the trash’ by asking these kind of soul probing questions.
Don’t settle for easy answers: drill down to the hear-level
(FFS see Hud’s Developmental Model section 4.)

Having recognized what the log is, we must now take action to remove it.
· Confess faults to God
· Ask God to help us with insecurities, sin and maturity issues
· Identify the lies we believed
· Receive His forgiveness
· Repent with God’s help
· Acknowledge your part to the other person.

Step three is forgiveness

What forgiveness is ...

o Forgiveness begins when we give up the right to get even.

This is where you need to think about your personal situation. Who is it that you want to pay? Who is it that you want to punish? Who is it that you think about and dream of all the ways their life could be as miserable as they have made yours?

My friend is tormented day and night by thoughts of his father. Somehow, he wants him to pay. I was not asking my friend to excuse his father. I was not asking my friend to forget all the horrible things his father had done to him. I was not asking him to reconcile with his father and put himself in a position where his father might try to hurt him again.

I was asking him to stop trying to get even. Vengeance by its nature is insatiable. I was inviting him to be free ...

Forgiveness involves a new way of seeing and feeling. When we have been hurt by another person we tend to stop seeing them as a person (objectifying) and rather only see the hurt.

o When we forgive we begin to look past the hurt and focus on the humanity of the one who hurt us.

We recognize that they do not live a perfect life ... they didn't have perfect parents ... they are lonely or hurting or weak just like me. But they are also created in the image of a God who loves them.

o Forgiveness progresses when you find yourself wishing the other person well.

No longer do you fantasize about the pain that you would wish upon their life. You begin to hope for good things for them. You desire the peace of God in their troubled life.


Why we forgive…

There's a story told of Leonardo da Vinci, the brilliant artist, who was working on his famous painting "The Last Supper" when he got angry with a certain man. In fact, at one point he was so angry that he lost his temper and lashed out at the person with some very bitter words. Later on when he returned to the canvas to continue painting he tried to work on the face of Jesus. But he was so upset that he just couldn't pull it together to do that. So finally he put down his brush and went out to find the man he had blasted and asked his forgiveness. He reconciled the relationship. The man forgave him and da Vinci was able to go back to his studio and finish painting the face of Jesus.

The Last Supper is a painting of the Lord's Table, the table that we're about to enjoy together. Does it bring to mind a relationship that needs to be reconciled? If it does, then you need to make it right quickly. It's hard to spend time with Jesus and stay angry very long. He's always nudging us towards reconciliation.

There are two ways to live with hurt: the way of vengeance and the way of forgiveness. The first way leads to death, and the second to life.

1. For our own sake
· Refusing to forgive will make our spirits bitter
· It is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die
· God commands us to forgive because He knows that no human beings are more miserable than the unforgiving.

2. For God’s sake
· Forgiveness is the very heart beat of God. It is His invention and the only hope for His romance with the human race. When we choose to forgive, we open the door to the miraculous. God is just waiting for us to express our faith and attempt the unimaginable.

· It is repeatedly commanded in scripture
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

· If we do not forgive we will not be forgiven
“But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:15

· If we do not forgive our prayers will be hindered.
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:24-26

3. Restoring the relationship is impossible without forgiveness
· What interests do you share?

4.For the sake of the other person
“Look also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:4
· What underlying interests does the other person have?



Three Things that Forgiveness is Not ...

1. Forgiveness is not the same thing as excusing.

If a little kid is staring at the cereal in the grocery store and runs into you, you don't need to forgive him ... you simply excuse him. He's a little kid. He's enamored by the cereal boxes. It's excusable behavior.

But when there is no good rationale to explain why someone did something to hurt you ... that is when forgiveness is required

2. Forgiveness is not forgetting.

We've all heard the saying forgive and forget. That might be possible when someone cuts you off in traffic. But it is impossible to forget when someone has deeply or repeatedly hurt us.

Forgiving is precisely what is required when we cannot forget.

3. Forgiving is not the same thing as reconciling.

I have a good friend who has always struggled with his father. I always just assumed it was because his father abandoned him and his mother and brothers and sisters ... leaving them in a very difficult situation to fend for themselves.

It wasn't until recent years that he confided in me that for years his father had physically abused him repeatedly in a tortuous, intimidating way. Nobody else in the family knew anything about it and if they did, they never did anything about it.

My friend is an adult now and still tormented by his feelings of hatred toward his father. One day we were talking about how difficult it is for him to get on with his life and I made the radical suggestion that he forgive his father.

I'll never forget the look of anguish that came over him as he shook his head from side to side and said over and over, "no, no, no!"

My friend thought that I was saying he needed to reconcile with his father. To run back to him and spend time with the man that struck terror into his heart. That is not forgiveness. Forgiveness only requires one human being. (forgiveness waits for reconciliation in my opinion. Waits for the other party to be ready) Reconciliation requires two willing parties both broken and sincerely sorry. So what does forgiveness involve?


How to forgive

· We must remember how much we have been forgiven.
Matthew 18:21-35- See the parable of the servant who was forgiven a debt of ten thousand talents, but who refused to forgive a debtor who owed him one hundred denarii.
· It is an act of obedience and gratitude
· When we stop objectifying the other person and see them as imperfect but loved creations of God.


Step four is to decide if you will overlook the offence.

Overlooking is different from denial. When we deny we pretend there is no difficulty.

When we overlook we recognize the problem but determine that the best course of action is to choose to forgive the offence without even brining it to the attention of the offending party.

When is it wrong to overlook?
· When God is being publicly dishonored.
· When your relationship with the other party is damaged in some ongoing way.
· When people are hurt- yourself or others.
· When the offender is in spiritual or physical danger because of their offence.

Don’t “stuff” it

Some of us grew up in homes where anger was never acknowledged. The only way we dealt with anger was to "stuff" it. That was the case in my home. And when you grow up in a family like that you can think, "I should never experience anger. Anger means I'm a terrible person. Anger is bad."

But that's a lie. God gave us with the capacity to get angry. God gets angry from time to time. Psalm 30:5 says, For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime.

Anger is like a smoke detector. It's good to have one on every floor of your house. When it beeps, it tells you that something's wrong. It's good to have smoke detectors. They can save your life. But it's not good to live with a smoke detector that's always beeping.

Anger is our God given smoke detector to warn us that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Anger is meant to motivate us to do something. And this is what we're to do. Go to the person who has made us angry.


Step five is to cool down

Proverbs 14:17 says, People with a hot temper do foolish things. Wiser people remain calm. (GNB) You may need to buy some time just to allow the rpm's to slow down. That's okay. You may even want to do a self-check and ask yourself, "Why am I so angry? And what is it that I want that I'm not getting?"

Anger experts tell us that anger is not a primary emotion. Remember when you were in elementary school and learned about the three primary colors: red, blue and yellow. All the other colors are made from a mixture of those three. Well in that same way, anger is not a primary emotion. It is a mixture of emotions, such as hurt, frustration, or fear. Those are often the feelings that are underneath the anger. We get angry after we first get hurt by someone or after we first get frustrated trying to accomplish a task or first feel afraid of someone or something.

But once we've cooled down and thought things through we need to "go." The apostle Paul wrote these words to a community that was facing conflict.
Ephesians 4:26,” In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” We need to address it as quickly as possible.

If you are uncertain of your feelings, how to respond, or where you were responsible in the conflict, it may be helpful to consider journaling or going to a close and trusted friend before you go to the offending party. This can help us to help you sort out the hurt or anger we feel as well as how to approach the person.

The crossroads here to gossip. Why? Because it's easier and frankly more fun to go to someone else and tear the other person apart. But when we do that we can just make things worse. That doesn't mean we should never talk about our anger. We all need a sounding board that can help us plan to resolve the conflict. But if we're going to a third person, it should be with the goal taking ownership or our own errors and moving towards the person who hurt us for reconciliation.

Step number six is to go to the person.

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Matthew 18:15

Not avoiding, but approaching the person with whom you have an issue. This is a huge step in the process and right here the battle is often won or lost. At this crossroads we wrestle with thoughts like, "Just forget it, it's not that big of a deal." "I don't want to make them feel bad." "What they did really shouldn't of hurt me anyway." "Who am I to confront them?" "It could cost the relationship." "What if they come at me with all I've done to hurt them?" "What difference will it make anyway?" The evil one loves to use these thoughts and ideas to sabotage community.

But Jesus says, go. Don't wait. We can't wait until we've rehearsed our speech perfectly. We may stutter and stammer all over the place. It's not important that we do it flawlessly. It's just important that we do it. Avoiding issues of hurt kills community and causes resentment to fester inside of us.


Step seven is to use sensitivity

Go in private. One on one. Just between the two of you, Jesus says. The crossroads here is the temptation to go and let them have it. Make 'em pay. Hurt them back. Embarrass them in front of an audience. But Jesus says, "No." Instead, approach them the same way you would want to be approached. Sensitivity is one of the most important parts of healthy anger management.

We don't go to blow off steam or get it off our chest or let it fly. According to Ortberg, (And Goleman) research done on anger management over several decades has failed to find a single study that demonstrates that catharsis, or letting your anger fly, is an effective way to manage anger. Instead, it just creates more anger inside us and in the person that we rage all over. The simplest guideline here is the golden rule: approach others the way that you would want them to approach you.


Step number eight is to communicate directly

Discuss the problem. Jesus says, Show them their fault. The temptation here is to beat around the bush and not be totally honest. Some of us around here talk about saying the last 10%. Often, after going through all the hard work of setting up a difficult conversation, we get afraid and we shrink back from saying the hardest but most important truth. We fail to say the very thing that caused us to meet in the first place, the last 10%. We get vague and fuzzy just when we need to be crystal clear.

Saying the last 10% sounds like this. "You weren't really listening to me which made me feel like I don't matter to you. That causes me to pull away in our relationship and I don't want that. I want us to connect more closely. That's why I was hurt." It's not easy to say that. But that's what Jesus means by showing them their fault.

Step number nine is the goal of conflict resolution and that is reconciliation and restoration.

If they listen to you, you have won them over. The goal is not to even the score or to make the other person pay or feel bad, it's to be reconciled to each other. Restoring the relationship is the goal of conflict resolution. Getting back into community is the aim. If it's not, all of the hard work is for nothing.

Reconciliation
· Reconciliation is when we are brought into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent. Brought back into relationship.
· Requires that the guilty party desires to be forgiven
· Involves acknowledgement of guilt
· Is a necessary preliminary to restoration

Restoration
· Restoration is the reestablishing of something that was taken away or lost.
· The restitution of the relationship; being brought into a right relationship.
· Involves both parties
· We may need to set boundaries
· May be gradual and conditional


If reconciliation does not work the first time...

You can try a third party
· Coaching- getting someone to help you to approach the situation better
· Mediation- asking someone to sit down with you and your friend to help you work out things together
· Arbitration- You and the other person agree to ask someone to decide about a tangible issue on which you cannot agree.

If they do not listen to you

In sin issues we add three other steps to this. If the person continues in sin after we talk to them personally we are to according to Matthew 18: 15-17…
“But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

1. Take one or two others along. If they refuse to listen…
2. Decide the issue within the church. If they refuse to listen…
3. Treat his as you would anyone who has rejected the way of Christ.


If things have worked out well

· Thank God together
· Get clear agreements on tangible issues
· Learn by reflecting on what has happened
· Seek accountability and growth


If things didn’t work out well

Reaffirm a Godly attitude
Recognize that deep problems may underline a conflict
You are responsible for your own actions, not theirs
Consider a degree of constructive separation
Pray that God will bless the other party

So those are nine simple steps in conflict resolution according to Jesus. That's what keeps a community healthy. But sometimes even conflict resolution doesn't work. Sometimes we need a miracle. And God created one. It's called forgiveness.

Reflection Questions

1. How did your family handle conflict when you were growing up?
2. What characterizes your approach to conflict?
-Avoid at all costs
-I can face it, but I don't like it
-A good argument every once in a while clears the air
-I do conflict recreationally
3. Pay attention to your anger and anxiety today. What triggers it? How do you handle it? Is it most often fed by hurt, by frustration, or by fear?
4. Are there any people in your life who tend to drag you in as a third party to a conflict where you should not be involved? How can you handle this?
5. Think of a person whose conflict management skills you admire. What makes him or her effective? Ask them how they became skilled at dealing with anger.
6. How are you doing at speaking the last 10%, and whom can you ask to hold you accountable to do it?
7. Is there any unresolved conflict in your life? If so, ruthlessly decide to seek and resolve it.

Sources:

John Ortberg
Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them
Bruce Carter
Finding the Love of Your Life
02/29/2004 Anger Management, Matthew 18:15